Grown up children? We still worry!
Worried about grown up kids? We are many that still worry and in this interview one of all us mothers tells about her thought and talk about the importance of support each other. Shea Delaney, mother and grandmother do feel the joy over having children and grandchildren, but also knows about the worry that one feels now and then. Here she shares her story which includes both reflections and gives wisdom. She may only be 47, but nevertheless her thoughts are exactly what we moms 50 plus have.
Name: Shea DeLaney
Occupation: work from home
Family: Married since 24 years, son and daughter, two beautiful grandsons
Lives: Arkansas, USA
As being middle-aged many of us have grown up children and even though they may have left home, we continue to worry about them. Do you think it ever stops or is it our fate as long as we live?
There are times where I as a momma can't help but worry. I don't think of it as my "fate" but more like my curse at times and other times as my sweet reminders to be on my knees more praying for my children.
I grew up with a momma who worried about everything. If you could imagine it she thought of it and did just that - worry. I knew when I got older I was so much like her and I'm not saying at all I don't love my momma because I do, but worrying isn't something I wanted to get from her.
I know my children are not my own and I know I'm not in control. So I'm still a work in progress but I'm learning everyday to trust Him more. To do so helps me dealing with things better.
In a facebook group you lifted the question about being worried for one's children and the response was huge, so many moms felt the same way as you did. The question witness about that we do not speak very much about it. Is it because we tend to keep things like this to ourselves or simply because we do not want to look like a mother hen?
That night when I asked the question about worrying for our children was such a fearful 2 hours for this momma. Even though my son is married and he's no longer my responsibility I was crippled with absolute fear of knowing where my son was and if he was okay.
To me personally my biggest reason for not sharing isn't because of the fear of being seen as a mother hen but the fear of looking like a failure as a momma. Still, am I the only momma who has had those thoughts of failing my children? I would say probably not at all.
We as mommas need to build each other up instead of tearing each other down. Being a momma is the hardest responsibility and yet the most rewarding. We don't need to add to other mommas struggle by making them feel like they are failing because if they are like me, they are already thinking about it, so they don't need the reinforcement from someone else. However I saw a big support among mom's in the answers on facebook, which was great.
At the same time, it is important not to be too controlling as we have to give our children the free-dome they are entitled to. How did you do yourself to keep that balance?
We've never really be in control of our children. We may think we do but we don't. Our children know they can come to us for advice and they really do. Sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't.
Example... our son has always had to learn the hard way. In fact he's in the middle of learning one of those lessons now. It's so hard to watch and it would be so easy to just sweep in and fix it, but where's the lesson in that for him? He came to us for advice before he made a decision and because we had been there and done that ourselves we gave him the only advice we could from our own experience. He listened and then did what he felt was best for him and now he's being slapped with some consequences.
The last thing I wanted as a young adult was for my momma to try and control me. So why would I think my children would want anything different? It's about respect.
Would you say that fathers are less worried than us mothers?
That's a tricky one because I'm not a dad. So the only way I can even begin to answer is by watching worry between my parents and my husband. Worry comes out in a different way for us. In my home I'm vocal about my worry and I'm emotional and physically sick to my stomach. My husband doesn't tell me he's worried, but I know by his body language and his few words. Sometimes his worry about our children may appear to be anger but it's really deep down fear.
Do daddy's worry? Of course they do and maybe even as much as us mommas but men are (in my life) less likely to vocalize it. Daddy's are just as fearful as the words failure as us mommas.
You even have grandchildren; are you as worried for their sake as well?
The worrying for them hasn't really started yet because they are still so young. Only 4 years and 20 months. But the praying has for sure started!
So, before we end this interview, do you have any idea about what we can do to reduce our anxiety or perhaps being better to support each other?
We've got to be more open with each other without the fear of being judged by others. We've all got our stories of being in the valley for our children, crying ourselves to sleep, sleepless nights of wondering when is the other shoe gonna drop. But we've also got those stories of being on the mountain top shouting sweet victory! The sweet joys of the sweetest blessing and triumphs.
When we release the fear of failure and share with those who don't judge and who's actually walked the roads we're walking there's wisdom to gain. When other mommas share their struggles there's always a momma who has had the same situation and has already claimed victory over it. That's where the wisdom comes in. Another momma investing in another, sharing the struggle side by side. How much easier is it for two people to carry a load rather than one carrying it alone?